Trump Campaign Idiot Brad Parscale Might Have To Find Cheaper Bed To Sh*t In Soon

Donald Trump made a personnel announcement today. Gayden Hoagley Caiden Cowger Gabardine Poopsybottoms Hogan Gidley — shut up, it is too a name — will be leaving his role as a press idiot in the White House to become a press idiot on the Trump campaign.

It's not quite the personnel announcement we're waiting for, the one where Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale finds out he will forevermore be trading in his fancy Ferraris and become one of the commonfolk who has to get his neckbeard edged at the Fantastic Sams, because of how he's fired. It does appear his position is precarious, after he "shit the bed" and promised Trump a packed victory rally in Tulsa, but instead delivered this thing that kind of looked like if you threw a birthday party for yourself but everybody who RSVP-ed was mean teens and K-pop fans on the internet.

How bad was that rally? Andrew Feinberg reports that a Trump campaign person said to him afterward that "Biden should have to report our costs to the [Federal Election Commission] as a campaign contribution." George Conway, Kellyanne Conway's better half, is calling it Trump's "Farewell Tour."

"Brad shit the bed" is the lede of the newest Gabe Sherman special, and oh boy, is it special.

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TAMPONGHAZI: It's The Latest Assault On Cops That Absolutely Positively 100% Really Happened!

As the nation nurses its wounds from Milkshakegate, we are faced with yet another collective trauma, as TAMPONGHAZI is upon us. Hide your wives and daughters! Actually, don't hide your female relatives. In fact, if you are not the proud owner of your very own vagina, find a lady and ask her what this is.

Or more to the point, ask her what it isn't. Because it sure as hell isn't a tampon, despite what the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and the gullible male reporter at Fox 11 LA would have you believe. Because tampons are made of rigid cotton that can't be pierced with a straw. Because they're not that long. Because there's no string. Because if tampons could disintegrate in liquid, we'd all be dead from toxic shock syndrome. Because SHUT UP HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET A WOMAN?

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Is Anybody Even Scared Of Bill Barr Anymore?

We don't know how to say this, but we think Attorney General Bill Barr might have bited off LI'L BIT more than he can chew.

Everything was going so great for Barr, he was doing so many fascisms and cover-ups for Donald Trump, and Trump really seemed to trust him to pretty much singlehandedly destroy America's concept of the rule of law with his grubby stinkpaws. With Barr's help, whatever assignments Vladimir Putin seems to have given Trump have seemed totally achievable!

Except for how things suddenly aren't going quite so well.

Rachel Maddow ticked off a bunch of Barr's recent failures yesterday evening, starting with when Barr tried to do a Friday Night Massacre this past weekend at the Southern District of New York (SDNY). Barr tried to remove Trump appointee Geoffrey Berman as US attorney — most likely to try to damage/thwart ongoing investigations into Trump associates like Rudy Giuliani, and maybe even Trump himself, and maybe as a favor for Trump's dictator pal in Turkey — and replace him with some pant-licker sycophant from New Jersey named "Craig." Unfortunately, Barr is such a fuckup that he completely lost the game of chicken with Berman, who, though he is still obviously fired, managed to make sure his successor would be his longtime deputy, Audrey Strauss, whom SDNY actually respects, until a permanent nominee is confirmed. Not the pant-licker from New Jersey named "Craig."

Senate Judiciary Committee Chair Lindsey Graham, who continually battles with Barr for the employee-of-the-month parking space inside Trump's ass, responded to the Berman firing by saying he will respect home-state Democratic senators' right to "blue-slip," or veto, Trump's new Manhattan US attorney nomination, which is theoretically supposed to be current SEC chair Jay Clayton, except for how Chuck Schumer and Kirsten Gillibrand are like "Eat this bag of New York dicks, they're really weird and foldy like New York pizza, so you'll need a buncha napkins."

Now, House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler has opened an investigation into the matter, and he is going to subpoena Barr for testimony. And when Barr receives that subpoena and uses it to wipe Trump's ass-skin off his lips before throwing it in the garbage? Appearing on Maddow last night, Nadler said he's totally prepared to DEFUND THE POLICE, by which we mean cut off the Justice Department's funding, if Barr refuses to appear.

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Someone (Chanel Rion) Doing Trump-Style Tulsa Rally Math (High AF)

Donald Trump's rally Saturday in Tulsa, Oklahoma, was a disaster. It's best to move on and forget it ever happened, which I presume is the post-Trump Republican strategy. However, dummies are out there pushing conspiracy theories: The media is maliciously painting Trump as a loser when he's actually winning like Charlie Sheen in 2011.

Sentient knockoff perfume Chanel Rion, a correspondent for far-Right propaganda outlet One America News, decried the “manipulated system on the Left" that acknowledges objective reality. She doesn't just report the president's paranoid fantasies. She's fully committed to them.

RION: This item that's on the forefront of the campaign and the Trump White House. And that is a system that is manipulated not only by the Left but by press and by those who are pushing a specific agenda. For example, the rally that we just attended back in Tulsa, Oklahoma. The fire marshal in Tulsa is going around telling the press that only 6,200 people ... were actually inside BOK Arena.

Yes, the Tulsa fire marshal is IN ON IT. Rion's not sure what IT is but she doesn't like it. (IT is “math.")

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Whistleblowers 'Bout To Burn Bill Barr's Sh*t DOWN, Y'all. A Liveblog!


Today is a DAY!

Attorney General Bill Barr may have won a pyrrhic and short-lived victory this morning, with a three-judge panel on the DC Circuit Court of Appeals ordering Judge Emmet Sullivan to dismiss the charges against literal actual foreign agent batshit asshole Michael Flynn. (They got really lucky with the judges they drew, with Trump appointee and judicial embarrassment Neomi Rao writing the ruling. The dissent from Judge Robert Wilkins is blistering.) It will likely be heard en banc, and if you need more information, read Steve Vladeck's Twitter feed or be patient and let Wonkette's Liz lawsplain you it later.

Today, though, in just a few minutes, we will hear whistleblower testimony in the House Judiciary Committee from Aaron Zelinsky, one of the prosecutors on the Roger Stone case who withdrew when Bill Barr's DOJ cleaned out the DC US Attorney's office, installed lackeys, and then started pushing the prosecutors to go easy on Stone's sentencing, for the sole reason that Roger Stone is buddies with Donald Trump. Zelinsky, a current DOJ employee, is SPILLING TEA, and from the way his opening statement (which Liz covered HERE) reads, it sounds like he's going to name names. He specifically says that while he recognizes that certain privilege may have been asserted regarding his testimony, he, for example, knows that the "deliberative process privilege does not apply when testimony sheds light on government misconduct."

Which, for example, is what he's here to talk about today. As a whistleblower.

And then there's John Elias, another current DOJ employee, who is also blowing his whistle about Bill Barr's misconduct in areas that haven't made the news so much, such as his personal decision to shit on cannibis companies, because he doesn't like them, and to open investigations into car companies because Donald Trump mean-tweeted about them. (Liz covered all that HERE, and you really need to read it.)

Today's gonna be lit as shit, y'all. And it's all directed squarely at exposing Bill Barr for what he is.

We are here for the ride.

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justice department

Bill Barr: Come For The Trump Cover-Ups, Stay For The REEFER MADNESS!

Today in Congress gonna be FIRE.

Bill Barr hates the reefers! The Attorney General is a hep cat, but he can't get down with your filthy jazz cigarettes. No, not even if they're legal and purveyors are just trying to make an honest living and pay their taxes like everyone else. Which is why he launched the DOJ's Antitrust Division on a holy fatwa to harass legal cannabis purveyors with pointless investigations. He also directed the Division to go after car companies and the state of California for the crime of offending Donald Trump with ungodly fuel efficiency standards. Because the GOP loves local control and deregulation — right up until they don't.

Justice Department whistleblower John Elias, former chief of the Antitrust Division, will testify to the House Judiciary Committee just about right now about Bill Barr's corruption of the Justice Department to suit his anti-pot prejudices and Trump's love of gas guzzlers. Elias will appear alongside Roger Stone prosecutor Aaron Zelinsky, whose testimony is likely to get a lot more attention. We previewed it here. But while Barr's perversion of justice to help Donald Trump personally is shocking, his waste of government resources to hound small businesses is hair raising in a whole separate way. Truly, the cartoon villain squatting atop our nation's justice system doth contain multitudes!

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Conspiracy Theories

Oh Look It's The 'Paul Is Dead' George Floyd Conspiracy Theory :(

And this lady's running for Congress!

A no-chance Republican congressional candidate in Missouri would like America to calm down and stop it with the protests against police brutality, because you see George Floyd wasn't actually murdered by a Minneapolis cop kneeling on his neck. Nope, according to Dr. Winnie Heartstrong, Floyd actually died in2016, which means the cellphone video showing Floyd's killing is nothing but a computer simulation! Doesn't everyone feel a little silly about all that unnecessary fuss, now?

Heartstrong, who's running against William Lacy Clay, the Democrat who since 2001 has consistently won his St Louis-based district by upwards of 70 percent of the vote, has even published a very professional looking scientific "report" of her "findings," cobbled together out of random facts, internet truther conspiracy theories, and pure speculation, all held together with a lot of Occam's Duct Tape.

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